Deep Dark Thoughts

In my first blog post, I mentioned how I see depression as an endless ocean pit when I'm slowly drowning, slowly sinking, into a pit of despair. I also struggle a lot with not only depression, but anxiety and negative thoughts. In my little world bubble, I see my anxiety, my thoughts that are hurting and negative towards me, as a shadow form of myself. These heart racing, soul crushing thoughts form into a shadowy evil figure of myself. 

As I wallow in tears, gasping for a breath of clarity, grasping onto hope, this shadow figure of myself faces me and stabs me in the back with hurtful, painful, intrusive thoughts.

You'll never be good enough.

Everyone around you is happy and having the best life ever, and here you are, lazy, unsuccessful, alone, and pathetic.

What's the point of trying? It's been years already, your dreams will never come true.

No one likes you. No one wants to be around you. You'll just be abandoned, just like everyone else has abandoned you.

It's awful, isn't it? How can we hurt ourselves, the one person that is the most important to us? These questions I still can't seem to find an answer to. When these thoughts form, it's usually when I'm in pain the most. Whether it's going through an anxiety attack, jealousy, when I'm alone late at night, listening to sad music to hug my heart when it aches from memories. Is it something that we can completely remove? I can't speak for others, but for me personally, it's been a long road and I'm still on it.

Have I tried not thinking about those thoughts? Tried it, just made me obsess over it more. How about keeping yourself distracted? Can't be distracted with life 24/7; that's too stressful. Well what can you do? Honestly...embrace it. Now hear me out, I know by me saying that, it sounds as if I'm saying, "yes, accept those negative thoughts as true!" What I mean is fight the thoughts by being better. What do I mean by that? I'm glad you asked!

If you're struggle with depression, anxiety, stress, anything where you have intrusive thoughts that bring you down, we have to fight those thoughts. We fight them through love, love for others or ourselves. When those thoughts decide to show itself in uninvited, you fight it back. 

I will always be good enough

Photos, videos, and life statues doesn't mean someone has it better. We're all trying to grab on to some happiness.

It's never too late to make my dreams come true.

There are many people who like me. Friends, family, people I haven't even met or heard of yet. Someone likes me, even if that person is me.

As I've said before, this voice is in a constant fist fight with me. My mind can become a war zone in seconds. My thoughts can slowly turn against me and harm me. Someone has to protect me, so it will be me. Of course this may not work for people, and sometimes I ignore this advice when I'm slowly sinking. This topic came to me today because the past few days, I haven't really been my best mentally. My depression and anxiety gets really bad when it gets closer to the winter time, so if I see on social media people who seem happier than me or have things I don't have, my thoughts start racing with negativity. It's even worse when I think back to memories of days, or months, or periods when I was happy.

We as people can truly be our own worse enemy. We want what's best for us, yet have no problem hurting ourselves through thoughts of negativity. I wish I knew the magic words, or tricks, or secret, to completely removing negative thoughts (honestly my life would be ten times easier that way). It's alright though, because even if we can't permanently remove those thoughts and feelings, we can slowly win this war with love. Prove those horrible thoughts wrong. Show them you are stronger than those words, you are better than those words, and you will overcome. 

If there's one thing I want you to leave from reading this, some sort of moral or message, it's that you're not alone when it comes to being your own worse enemy. I may seem like I got it all together, but sometimes, I can be weak too. I may be weak at times when fighting myself, but that doesn't mean I'll be defeated, and neither will you. I hope we can one day fight those thoughts for good, but for now, I wish you well, positivity, good vibes, and just know that you will overcome this.

Photo by Mar Newhall on Unsplash