Loving Yourself

Hello readers. I know you're probably wondering, "hey, where's Blogmas Day 8....9....11?". Trust me when I say I did want to continue with Blogmas, but I kind of had a stuck in a hole moment, so I sadly will stop Blogmas from here on out. It honestly had nothing to do with having to blog every day that stopped me, but my mental health flaring up, still suffering with a sinus infection, and other personal stuff (which I will speak on another blog post), it delayed me with blogging.

I noticed a lot of my blogs lately have been...advice post. I have no problem giving advice, but that was never the intent of my blog. My blog was suppose to feel like a journal, but also being able to help my readers out, so I'm going to go back to that. I may have some advice-like blog posts, but I really want to stick with my roots. So I have two very special topics I want to talk about, and thanks to the power of Twitter polls, I'll be talking about the one that won today and the other one another day.

As the title states, I'll be talking about self love. For me, self love is the most important topic ever. It's something I work on every single day, it's something I am passionate about, and it's something I want everyone to have. My journey to self love has started in the beginning of 2014. That year, as I've stated in many blog post, was a struggling, harmful, and scary year for me, but it's the year that I dedicated myself to finding self love.

As a single 26 year old (by choice of course, not the age part sadly), it can be hard to see so many people my age or around my age happy and in love with other people. They're either dating, in committed relationships, engaged, or married. It's tough for me, because I also fight with jealousy. If there's one thing about myself I want to continue working on is my jealously. I get so jealous of those people. 'Why do they get to be happy with someone else?', 'Why can't I have that?', and, 'I wish someone loved me as much as those people love them'. 

When those thoughts pop up, I think back to my dark thoughts, or my other self. If you want to know what I'm referencing, definitely take a read into my blog post here. My jealously, society, and my surrounding have tried making me believe that without a significant other, I am nothing. If you're not married at a certain age, if you're not engage at a certain age, or if you're still single and in your late 20's, you're nothing. You're useless, you're pathetic, you're unwanted. You know how awful it is to live in that mentality? It's a destructive one, that's for sure.

I've spoken before about my dark thoughts, but I also have light thoughts too! Now before you start thinking I'm a major weirdo, hear me out. I'd like to think that I have this light and darkness to my thoughts. The dark thoughts portray my fears, my hatred, the things I don't like about myself; then there's the light thoughts. The light thoughts, this bright and shining angel, talks to me and tells me, 'that's not true, there is someone that loves you; it's you!' How can I love myself when my own thoughts try to destroy me?

Growing up, I never liked how I looked. I was teased, bullied, ever since I was in kindergarten. My classmates, strangers, other kids, made fun of me for how fat I am, how ugly I am, this and that. Those words can really break someone down. The worst part? I get that a lot, even today, from my own family. Not as bad as it was growing up, but it's still there. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was almost 18, but it was online, so my first ever real boyfriend wasn't until I was 21. I struggle with my weight due to having PCOS (if anyone wants a blog about that, let me know), I always compared my social skills and my life skills to my brother and friends, and I just really didn't like what I saw in the mirror every single day.

Now, I will say that my self love journey started over a website that promised me to get my boyfriend back in 30 days if I followed her steps and tools...oh and if I paid a certain amount (no worries, I got refunded before the deadline and yet got her materials for free). I won't name this site because I don't believe her tips (spoil alert: they don't work), however, her tips on self love really did help me, and made me do my own research on self love.

In this "program", she made me start every day looking at the mirror and saying one good thing about myself. One good thing led to two, then three, then five. Every morning, I also had to write down things I love about myself. I will say the first few days of this, I didn't believe a word I was telling myself. I just thought, "ok fine, let me get this over with". As I kept doing this daily, my false beliefs started becoming real. I did think I was beautiful, I did think I was awesome, I do believe I'm amazing person. If you keep saying positive things about you, I promise, not coming from a scammer woman, but from me, a real person, that you will believe those words. Not only will you believe them, but they are 100% fact.

Of course, as I got into my previous relationship, self love was there, but I started focusing my love and how I see myself through my former boyfriend's eyes. When he told me I'm beautiful and all of that, it made me extremely happy hearing it from him, but I needed to continue telling myself that I believe that I am beautiful. After the relationship ended in 2016, my self love journey was dying. I didn't find myself beautiful, I didn't care how I see myself. I just thought every terrible thing I was ever told in my life and played it over and over because I couldn't keep a person that for once, made me feel beautiful every single day. Yikes, I didn't think typing that line out would bring me to tears.

As I entered 2017, I was more hopeful. I wanted to get back to loving myself, because how I see and care for myself is much more important than anything else. All this talk about self love takes me back to RuPaul saying, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?" Now, as I stated...I think in my first or second blog post, that I believe that to an extent. I believe loving yourself is the most important love you will ever find. Of course you can love someone else as you work on loving yourself (you don't have to be all in love with yourself to appreciate someone else's love), but know that the most important love anyone will ever give you is the love you give to yourself.

The other day, I told this guy about self love and how important it is to me. I told him how I believe that because I am who I am, I am stuck with myself until the day I pass, I need to love all of me. When I doll myself up and plaster my face with all the makeup in the world, I do that for me to remind myself I am gorgeous. When I wear cute, adorable, over the top dresses just to go to the grocery store, I'm doing that to remind myself how cute I am even just to run errands. When I take a ton of photos of myself and share it on social media, it's to remind myself that I am beautiful and I don't need a man or another person to tell me. When I state on social media, in public, or to myself in the mirror, that I am beautiful, amazing, and deserve happiness, it's not to look conceited or to brag, it's because it's coming from a person that struggles every day with loving herself; but I will continue working on and loving myself because the most important person that needs to love me, is me.

I know this blog is kind of on the long side, but when I say I am passionate about self love, I am dead serious passionate about it. Will I have my days where I don't believe I'm all the good things I say? Absolutely; we're human beings. We have flaws and imperfections, but loving yourself must be your top priority. If you struggle with self love, I encourage you to look in the mirror, say one good thing about yourself that you love about you, and continue telling yourself that every single day until you believe the truth.

In the comments below, share with me your thoughts on self love. Is it difficult? Is it a breeze? Let me know what you think! As always, comment, like, share, and subscribe. It felt really good letting this all out, and I certainly hope I helped someone with my story on this topic.

*Photo by Bart LaRue on Unsplash