Back at One

Whoa, another blog so soon? I know, it's not really like me to do a back to back blog unless I was partaking in Blogmas. Well if you saw my last three posts, I was discussing about talking about my mental struggles, but I wasn't sure how I wanted to word it without sounding like I'm self sabotaging myself or putting negative thoughts towards you all. Well, my mental thoughts were bothering me since last night, and honestly, there's no way to go about it sounding positive or happy. It's something I've been struggling with for the past few weeks, and maybe just talking about it, it can show you all that you're not alone.

I have many fears in life. I have a fear of being alone, I have a fear of accidentally eating ketchup (do not judge me, I hate that stuff), and with depression and anxiety, more and more fears are added. So I may as well start with what got me in this head space last night and then work my way back. So for about a few days now, I had this amazing idea. Mental health, positivity, and self love are extremely important topics to me. I want to help people, when it comes to mental health, that struggle finding a support system that's perfect for them. When a person is battling with mental health, they can be told so many times, "I'm here for you if you need me" and still be afraid to reach out.

I was brainstorming some ideas, and this amazing, brilliant, idea popped up. What if I created, first on Twitter, an account, that's like a buddy system, for people that struggle with mental health? You match people with someone around their age and share similar interest, those sort of attributes. I was so excited and looking forward to planning this project. Even though I had this amazing idea, something in my gut told me, 'Google this before you get involved'. So of course, I followed my gut and Googled this brilliant idea of mine. Load and behold, it already exist. If you're interested in reading and looking into this successful project, it's called Buddy Project.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad something like this exist! I think it's great there's a way for people to help one another when it comes to mental health. What really put me in a negative head space was thinking, 'oh, yeah that brilliant idea of yours is already a thing and successful.' I was depressed the whole night. I was depressed the next morning. I kept thinking about how upset I was that something I'm so passionate about and wanted to make a already a thing and very successful. So of course, my negative thoughts started fogging up my brain pretty well. I just started thinking to myself, 'I'll never be successful like my other blogger friends', 'I'll never be able to inspire people', 'I'll never create something amazing that can change people's lives'.

Now lets rewind a little bit. So I'm 26 years old and, still, living with my parents. I know some people will be thinking, "wow, you still live with your parents and you're an adult?" Trust me, living with my parents at my age is one of the main reasons I've been having mental struggles. So in the beginning of 2017, I planned out everything I wanted to do. Get a license, go apartment hunting, get a job where I want to move, then move and live my life. Now, you may be wondering, "wow, you don't even have your license either!?" It's one thing after another, I know. Before you throw me with judgmental stones, the reason why it's taken me so long to get my license is because I've had a huge phobia of driving, which goes back to when my brother's former middle school friend's mom got us in a car accident.

I finally got some driving lessons when I turned 25, and I will admit that my driving on the road isn't too bad! I can get from A to B well, the only reason why I haven't taken my test yet is because I cannot park in a parking lot for squat. If you have tips for how to park well, please send them my way so I can finally take my driving test. So my mom and I planned out this goal for me in order for me to move out and live on my own: get my license, then go apartment hunting, then go job hunting, and once everything is set, move. Can't really plan on moving out if I don't have a license, thus why no progress has been made. Well, some progress has been made. I have some money saved for the move, when it does happen, but sadly, I've been using some of my savings due to being unemployed.

So here we are, almost entering 2018, and still no license, still no apartment, still not on my own. The condo we currently live in is very pricey to live. Just last month, the HOA decided to bump the HOA fee an extra $100 more because they decided to upgrade pool equipment...that we wanted no part in helping in. Because of all of this, my parents have decided to move into an apartment in February. What they do with their life is fine, but I can't continue living with them at my age and seeing the scenery getting smaller and smaller. Plus, the location they chose is a place we've lived in since I was 7 years old. I hate that place so much. It's filled with memories of middle school, high school, college, retail days, and many people from my high school class still live there. It's dreadful for me to see these people constantly and be next to my mom's side all the time.

Because of this, I get into a dark head space. I'm 26, I still live with my parents, no license, unemployed, and not doing anything. Just a few weekends ago, I broke down crying because I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed that nothing in my life is progressing. My brother has his own condo, married, and now has a beautiful baby. Many of my former classmates have their own houses, work in successful businesses, getting engaged, married, you name it. They are all living their life, and here I am...stuck. 

That's why I was afraid of blogging about this. My blog is about positivity, trying to stay happy and see the good when life throws the bad at you. With mental health, however, you can't always be happy and positive. This has been a constant struggle for about four years now. Not moving on with my life, staying in one place. I know if I'm not happy where I am, I have to change it. It's hard to do all of this, it really is. I feel like I'm doing this on my own with no help, and I don't mean financially. Once I finally move out and live on my own, I feel like I can finally live my life. I can finally grow more and embrace new experiences. How can I grow when I'm still under the same roof with my parents, having to depend on people for rides to go anywhere, and struggling to pay my bills because there are barely any jobs hiring?

What do you do in that situation? I don't know the right answer, sadly. This is still a battle I continue fighting with every day. The one thing I try to do is breathe. I can't let the negative thoughts swallow me up. I will get my license, I will find the apartment, I will find a job where I want to move, and I will move out. It will happen, it will. Life may try to throw some hard reality in my face, but I can't lose hope. I need to keep moving forward, find ways to get from A to B to C and so on. It hurts to not see and progress on your goals, but you can't give up. Giving up means you're allowing the negative thoughts to take control over you and win. We all want a happy ending, right? You deserve a happy ending with your dreams coming too, and I do too. I don't really know what this blog was suppose to be. Possibly a journal entry; I know I just had to get it out of my mind before it pushed me too far into an anxiety attack.

*Photo by Alexander Lam on Unsplash