A Burning Heart

Do you ever get flashbacks? Memories that you never really thought about, good or bad, and they just hit you? Like a sucker punch to your gut, or a tear streaming down your face, or as if the sun just blessed your cheeks with a hot, bright smile. Memories can be the best things we cherish, or our worst nightmares. For me, my favorite memories burn into my heart and soul.

I tend to get sick of explaining my story to people, new and old, because eventually, people get sick of hearing about it. I rethink of my college days in 2012, two formed friends of mine would tell me, after explaining to them all the time about the trauma my former housemates gave me, "Are you always going to keep talking about it?" Nothing shuts you up more and bottle your pain than people you trust, who you open up your pain about, telling you, in plain terms, they're sick of hearing about it. Well if you can't open up to your friends, who can you open up to?

Well, that's beyond the point. Let me start from the end of 2013. My former boyfriend, who I was with for six months, broke up with me, via text messenger, and told me he just "didn't feel the same about me anymore". I was so distraught and in pain, I called off work, struggled with eating, and just wasn't myself for months.

anata-atashi.jpg

ย 

He was my everything, because I felt like I finally found the one for me. If any of my readers have ever read the manga "Chobits", you'd understand where that term comes from (a reference above to jog your memory if you have read the manga before). This person, who I believed was my person, broke my heart, had no shame, and told me the reason why he didn't love me anymore was because he felt like a babysitter when I was struggling with anxiety and family problems (my parents were going through a divorce and I didn't know how to handle the situation). To make matters worse, a few months later, he started dating someone I thought was a friend, so it was just downhill from here on.

Even though it took me almost a year, I finally realized that my now ex-boyfriend, someone I saw as the love of my life, who I begged to be with so badly, was emotionally abusing me throughout our whole relationship. I read so many articles online about emotionally abusive partners and what the signs are, and there were so many signs in my relationship. I feel horrible that I never got to say in his face how he hurt me and abused me, but I'm so glad that relationship does not exist. I do not wish him well, nor do I wish ill on him; I wish nothing on him.

As I was finally moving on from my former boyfriend, I attended a conference at church called "Encounter", where it was about hearing others' stories, being one, and spending two days to hear from God. It was so moving, to even the point where I prayed to God, 'I'm sorry for saying horrible things about men as a whole due to my pain. I want to finally meet someone who loves me'. A week later, I met someone, not on purpose, on a silly site called Omegle (is it pronounced "Oh-Me-Gehl" or "Oh-Meh-Gehl"?). I never thought anything of the conversation, but I remember the moment I saw his photo, and perhaps it was lust, but I felt that immediate spark.

It amazes me still how within weeks of conversation, I met someone that found me beautiful, that loved talking to me, enjoyed playing "Animal Crossing" with me late at night, that complimented me so many times. It's hilarious how when I first got to know him, I found him so boring and told my best friend, "yeah, this will never happen"; boy, was I dead wrong. Believe it or not, I asked him out via a video game; of course he said yes. We had so much in common. Lived in the same state, enjoyed the same things, have the same birthday, etc. Of course, our relationship had ups and downs, but the ups were far more than the downs. He wasn't perfect, neither was I, we had our own demons that we fought, but the purest thing through our relationship was us. He showed me what true love is, and I thank him so much for showing me that love.

We only lasted a year and a half, my longest relationship ever. The end of the relationship was the worst. Of course a lot of relationships are awful, but when it came to ours, it hit hard because to this day, I still don't know why it ended. I won't air out his personal problems, but there were problems happening on his end, and although we were long distant, we had all intentions to close the distance; we even spoke every day. It's been over two years since I last saw him in person, and I would do anything to apologize for any pain I caused him, thank him for the love he gave me, and have one more conversation with him.

I know my readers may think, 'yikes move on already creep', or maybe, 'this is so unhealthy, why am I here again?' First off, I'd love to know why you're here! Second thing, I know the pain I put myself in isn't alright, but I guess from time to time, I think about the past. I mean, hey, being single has opened my eyes to new things. New interest (listen, if you told me two years ago I'd be so into ASMR, I'd give you a hardcore side-eye), get the 101 to being an adult between age 25-26, graduate college after being on and off for six years, and truly learn to love myself. In the words of RuPaul, "if you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else?" I mean, to a degree I live by those words (you can totally love someone else while learning to love yourself).

Ever since I left my last job, the depression about my breakup has caught up with me. I try to do my best and not think about it, but it's tough. Breakups are a mother, especially if you truly loved the person with every fiber of your being. I may still struggle, I may still grieve about it almost two years later, but I truly still love him. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him, even if he hates my guts (don't know if he does, just saying). I'm open to meeting someone new, I'm open to being alone, I'm open to having him back in my life, it's just tough, and it's worse when I can't express the pain and hurt without my friends making me feel as if I should get over it already or they're bored of hearing it. So, it's difficult, I'll admit. Mix it with depression, anxiety, and boy gee wiz it's a party.

As I've stated in my first post, I'm not perfect, I have so many flaws, but I hope those flaws, my emotions, my vulnerability, can maybe move someone. The one goal I have on this Earth is to inspire someone, a group of people, as many people as possible.  I put my sadness, my grief, my weakness, out in the public because I want to show you, the reader, that this is completely normal. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to still miss someone you love that is no longer in your life, but don't let that get in the way of your happiness. You deserve love, from others, from friends, family, yourself; you deserve it. I'm still learning to love myself in this party of one, but we can help each other. Don't be afraid, don't let sadness win, you are stronger than the pain. I believe in you, in me, in us.

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash