In the Ocean

When I am depressed, I picture myself sinking slowly down the ocean. There I am, blinking ever so slightly, my heart beating fast, knowing I'm struggling for air. How did I get here? Where do I go from here?  The ocean can be bliss to be in, or it can be your worst nightmare.

That's how I've felt lately. I'm 26, struggling to pay my student loans post graduation, watching my life slowly age while others are living it up. People around me at 26 already have a career, married, have children; got their whole life together. To me, those people, the ones that got their life together, got their heads above the water and enjoying the sun. For me, I'm in the outside looking in, or in this case, on the inside looking out. I'm slowly drowning, while others around me have it together.

How is that possible? I mean, I have a roof over my head, I never need to worry about food or water or if I'll live to see tomorrow; but my thoughts think otherwise. Where does this all come from, exactly? Well, depression and anxiety get you good. Since 2013 and 2014, I've struggled severely with depression and anxiety. Family problems, a really nasty break up from an abusive person, they were all destroying me slowly. Here we are in 2017, and I'm still struggling with the same, yet different, issues; I'll save those dilemmas for another entry.

In the water, I seem to be slowly sinking, accepting my faith as my fears and the darkness of my thoughts swallow me up, yet I imagine, figuratively and literally, reaching out to the top, for a helping hand. How can I accept the dark thoughts but still reach out for help? Because I can't accept this fate just yet.

The other day at church, I listened to the words of a pastor that speaks from time to time (he's one of my favorite pastors to listen to because he uses a combination of wise words and humor), and he spoke to us about his journey of finding an old best friend of his that has become homeless. Within four years, he traveled seven times to San Francisco to go find his friend. After searching for four years, he got an anonymous tip stating that his friend was actually in Hawaii. Once he and his wife traveled to Hawaii, within a week, he was able to find his best friend; however, it didn't end well. He wanted nothing to do with him, didn't want to have dinner with him, talk, nothing. I watched him tearing up as he told his story, and I teared up as well.

Even though things didn't go as planned, even though his friend, that he spent years looking for and praying for, wanted nothing to do with him, the message he ended the service with has stuck with me. He said (not directly quoted), "Don't stories have a happy ending? Well, then it's not the end of the story". I struggle every day to wake up, to look for the best of each day, to smile, to live, but I know my happy ending is out there somewhere.

I suppose that's why I'm reaching out even when I'm drowning. I may struggle, I may be drowning in my own despair, but I can't give up yet, right? I imagine, as I'm reaching out, a bright light, or someone, is diving into the water to grab me and not giving up on me. Whether it's a friend, family, someone I love, or even myself, I just need something, or someone, to not give up on me. 

I can't promise you all happy blog posts, I can't promise to solve your problem, I can't promise to be positive all the time; however, what I can promise is the raw, real me. I can promise you when I say "I believe in you", I believe in you accomplishing any of your dreams as if they were my own. When I say, "I'm here for you", please know I will be here for you and help you as much as I can. I want these posts, these words, to mean something. I want to motivate you to never give up, to show you that it's ok to be positive and hope for the best even if you're not feeling your best. I want to be the voice for someone, or people, to speak out about how we may not be ok, we may be struggling, we may be hurting inside, but we will not give up. We can't give up on our dreams, our goals, our life.

Our whole being, our soul, we are so special and important, so please know you're not alone. I may not know you, but I adore you and care for you. This is me, these are my stories, this is my bubble with clouds of thoughts. I certainly hope you stick along for the journey. Maybe we'll learn something, maybe you'll share with me your stories, and maybe in a few month, or in a few years, we'll find our happy ending.

*Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash