Sunshine and Dark Clouds

At first, I had no idea what I wanted to talk about, but then an idea hit me yesterday based on how I was feeling. Yesterday was, at first, a regular day. I woke up, ate some breakfast, watched some episodes of a show I'm binge watching, and just getting things together. Around the afternoon, I was sitting in my bed and browsing the internet, like I usually do, until suddenly, this wave of emotions just hit me face first.

You know how when you're at the beach, the sun is shining, you're swimming, and not having a care in the world? Suddenly, that sunshine hides behind a cloud, it gets a little dark, and the water gets a little rough, then, when you least expect it, a huge wave slaps you, metaphorically, in the face. That's how I am when it comes to my mental health and how I present myself socially. Whether in person or online, I'll be happy, positive, and peppy, because that's how I want to feel and portray that to others. I want to make people feel happy, get inspired to be positive, and be happy. Behind the screen, or when I leave the room from other people, depression hits me.

Out of nowhere, I find myself, on a day where I felt completely fine, sobbing. Depression is my "friend" that won't go away even then I express to it that it's really unhealthy for me. Depression whispers into me ear:

"Hm, you're still alone. There's so many people around you in happy relationships and have significant others that love them, yet here you are, alone. Hm, so many people are doing amazing things in their life and being successful, yet here you are, in bed, doing nothing and unemployed. Hm, that sucks."

Struggling with mental health is scary. I get more attention and responses when I'm positive and happy. Don't get me wrong, I want to be positive and happy. I want to give out the energy I want to receive, because we all deserve to be surrounded by happy and positive people. However, my life isn't always positive and happy. I struggle with depression, something that constantly reminds me how miserable I am. I struggle with anxiety, that makes me fear how I interact with people and overthink my actions. 

I wish I could discuss why I'm thinking like this, but I can't. Of course I can speak to a therapist, but sometimes, I wish I could vent to a friend. I know many people tell me I can always reach out and talk to them, but I'm...so afraid to. I'm afraid and exhausted about talking about why I'm sad. I'm afraid of people judging me or telling me, "move on already", because that's how many people in my life respond when I talk about why I'm sad. It's great to be positive, it's great to work on being happy and bettering yourself, it's great to want to give out those vibes to people. That's why I created this website: to inspire and make people happy. The reality is, however, I'm not always positive.

I'm not always happy and I'm not always giving out words of encouragement. I'm a person, just like you. Of course my flaws are different from yours, but I'm still human. I'm a person with emotion, a person that struggles late at night and cries myself to sleep sometimes. I want to continue giving positive vibes, words of encouragement, and happiness, but you also have to accept that I'm human too, and I sometimes need that helping hand as well. It's great to have people with me during the sunshine, but it means so much more when I have someone lending an umbrella during the dark clouds as it's ready to pour.

*Photo by Brian Cook on Unsplash