Mixed with Emotions

I love living with anxiety, and when I mean love, I mean I really...don't love it. I'm not really sure how long I've lived with anxiety. Maybe since 2014, or maybe my whole life; it's hard to know. All I know is that anxiety has made some days in my life stressful. Because of anxiety, I question my actions, my words, other people's actions, and their words. I think it has to do with a mix of past experiences and having anxiety.

For example, when I meet someone for the first time, I always want to leave a good impression. I want to come off as likable and wanted (not in a sexual form, but as in I want people to want to be around me). Now I know when I say it like that, it sounds like I'm playing a part, but I'm not. It just means I want to portray to others how I see myself and have them see me that was as well. Most of the time it works! However, it's after the interaction that the anxiety decides to show its ugly head in my life.

After the interactions and getting to know each other, whether it's been days, weeks, or even years, the anxiety decides to take over and plant ideas in my head. The last two weeks, I've been forming bonds with some new friends and I was so happy with myself. I was proud that I'm improving as a person and really channeling who I am. Suddenly, these people I was connecting with, it goes downhill. Of course the reality is that they're busy with school, work, life, you name it. Anxiety doesn't care, it tells you, 'nope, it's because of you.'

I continue to tell myself the reality, or the logical answer, so it is embedded in my mind so I can worry less; anxiety, however, talks much louder. Anxiety keeps telling me, 'it's because of you! They can't stand you. You're annoying, you're clingy, you're too much, you scare them away just like everyone else.' My past interactions with people also play a big part in giving the anxiety a big ego boost. I know I'm not the person I was years ago, I know those people and what they thought of me don't reflect me now, but anxiety doesn't care. Anxiety only knows pain, anxiety only remembers the bad, anxiety only focuses on you being the problem.

It's not just only with friends or people, it's with jobs. I'm desperately looking for jobs left and right because after I pay off one more student loan this month, I won't have any money to pay any of them off next month, and that's scary. So I've been applying to so many jobs, and I bring my hopes up and think I'm going to get the job, but I haven't. I have piles and piles of e-mails telling me no, telling me I'm not the right fit, they chose someone else, etc. Anxiety sees that and thinks, 'ah, it's because they know you're an awful person to hire. They don't want someone like you. They want to hire someone better, you'll never be better.'

So, in a nutshell, that's what I've had to deal with the past few days. I sadly don't have any advice on this because I'm still dwelling on this issue. It has been a whirlwind of pain and stress, and honestly, I sometimes wish the dark thoughts can shut up for once so I can relax. Don't you ever wish there was an ON and OFF switch for our thoughts? Because if that was a thing, I would buy it in a second, because I just want my mind to, for once, stop thinking and focus on me.

Sorry this one is kind of a dark topic, but as I've said in the past, my blog is my journal. It's the journal to my heart and some days are good, so I talk about words of encouragement or happy thoughts, and some days are not so good, so I come here to cry out my feelings and type out my stress. Some people have friends to vent to, family to talk to, and some are like me, who go to either social media, their blog, or a paper journal, and write, or type, out their feelings. Because my blog is a safe space, if you want to use this post's comment section to vent or type out something that's been stressing you out, you're more than welcomed to. I will not judge you, I will not shame you, but I'll virtually hug you. We all deserve a place to feel safe and talk about our feelings.

*Photo by Geetanjal Khanna on Unsplash