Stuck in the Unknown

Life can be kind, it can be rewarding, and it can be amazing; however, it can also be cruel, challenging, and filled with a mixture of hope and despair. Every day, I keep thinking I'm close to figuring out how my life will be once I retrieve that happiness. You know, when I was little, I planned out how my life would turn out. I would find the love of my life, get married at 27 or 28, have a garden wedding during the spring time, have a child at 29 or 30 (I would have two children, a boy first, then a girl), and work an amazing career as a veterinarian. That's how I planned my life and that's how I wanted things to be.

Now at 26, turning 27 this year, I'm not very close to any of those goals. Well lets be honest, I have no interest of being a veterinarian because I'm allergic to cats, dogs, and rabbits. If you recall back to my very first blog post, I feel like I'm back in the ocean, floating, unsure about my life or where I'm suppose to be. I'll be on one path, everything is going great, and I'll think to myself, 'yes, this is exactly where I'm suppose to be'. Suddenly, boom, things go off track. There's trouble in paradise, things aren't going as they were suppose to be, and then I'm quickly sinking into the ocean, trying to get back up for air. Once I finally get the courage to swim back up, I quickly gasp for some air, thinking to myself, 'wait, that wasn't suppose to happen'.

I guess that's what I've had to deal with this month. What I just stated is exactly how I felt. I don't want to air out all of the laundry, but there needs to be some backstory to it. There's someone I met at the beginning of March. We hit it off so well, had so much in common, and he just brought a lot of happiness for me. I really saw myself dating him in the future, when the time was right. Well, as we were talking, a lot of issues were happening on his end, and it just put a pause on everything we felt for each other. Then suddenly, I wasn't told the whole truth of what was happening on his end, I found out on my own; cue me quickly sinking in the ocean.

I fell very quickly, and maybe that's my fault when it comes to falling for someone I just met, but I'm a person who has so much love to give, whose feelings are big; so I can't help but grow feelings quickly. The whole situation was just...not good for either of us. I don't like ultimatums, but I needed to know where we were going from here, because if I'm in a state of confusion, that's not okay for my emotions or my mental health. I like things being clear, I need it to in order to feel, I suppose sane?

After an awful 48 hours and an anxiety attack on both ends, he decided that the path he's going doesn't have me in it. Well, correction, not I'm not in the path, but I'm not there romantically. However, I can't continue just being friends with someone I have feelings for. After everything I was put through for about a month, of course I deserve better than what I was put through. I was put in an uncomfortable situation filled with secrets and unknowns; that wasn't fair to me. Of course he's apologized profoundly and feels guilty, but none of that takes away my pain. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here, but for almost two years, I've kept away from seeing other people or starting a relationship because after my breakup, I needed time to heal, time to get myself together, and time to understand everything.

So clicking with someone so quickly, so soon, may have not been the best thing, but as the self-titled Princess of Love, it's who I am. As I get older, I figure out who I want in my life and what kind of people I want to surround myself with. So when something seems to be good and going well, once it falls off track, it throws off my mindset. I suppose the positive of this situation is that I was able to realize I don't want someone who sees me as second best, someone who is dishonest with me, and someone that puts me in a situation I never asked to be in. I should never have to beg someone to want to be with me, I should never have to prove myself to someone. If someone cares about me and wants me in their life, they will do everything they can to make it work; it's a two person job.

As I stated previously, my heart still hurts. This pain is fresh, so it's been a rough few days for me. Will I move on past this? Of course, I'm used to it by now, but it still hurts. At times like this, self-love comes in. If you're in a situation where someone has broken your heart, someone picks someone else over you, or someone you have feelings for puts you in a situation where you feel like you have to prove your worth, take time and reevaluate the situation. You're beautiful, amazing, funny, loving, and a great person. If a person breaks your heart and leaves you lost and confused from their decision, if someone doesn't see your importance and chooses someone else over you, and if someone leaves you in a state of confusion, just know that you are amazing. You deserve someone who doesn't do this to you, because you deserve the same love you give to others.

As I type that down, I'm kind of trying to tell myself that too. We have weaknesses, flaws, and we're not perfect. Just because we have those, doesn't mean we deserve love that harms us or breaks our heart. So if you're in the same situation I'm in right now, just know that you're amazing and you will obtain a good, healthy relationship, it just take time to find that person. You've overcome every bad thing thrown at you so far, so you will overcome this too. I believe in you.

*Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash