Growth in Change

I can honestly say I'm not the person I was two years ago. I can also say the person I was two years ago wasn't who I was three years ago. You're seeing a pattern here, right? The other day, I had some self-realization that as time goes by, I'm growing mentally and bettering myself, and it makes me happy to see that not only am I seeing these changes, but people around me are too. When we think of growth, we may see is as "growing up" or getting older. While that is true, my focus on growth deals with bettering ourselves or seeing improvements in our life.

I have many fears in life. Heights, getting into an accident, killer dolls (don't ask), but the one that's on the very top of my list of fears is change. I'm the type of person that prefers a routine and doing things the same way every day or having things the way they are (to an extent). The reason why I prefer my life like that is because I don't have to get used to a new routine. I see it as "if it isn't broke, why fix it?" Even though I have that sort of mindset, I can also accept that thinking that way isn't good. It's understandable to fear the unknown or be comfortable where you are and how you're living your life, but if nothing is changed, how are you expected to grow as a person?

I know when I say this, it may make people feel uncomfortable; I mean, even typing all of this kind of makes me uncomfortable too. When it comes to things changing, I'm slowly channeling my mind to see is as not the end of the world, or someone is out to get me, but as a way to take the opportunity as a life lesson on how I can better myself. For example, almost a month ago, we moved to this apartment. It's smaller than our last place (about a thousand less in square footage) and without going into details, the reasoning behind why we were moved here is very despicable. 

The first week of living here, I broke down crying, was in a nasty head-space, and just felt miserable. I was too busy focusing on the negatives and telling my mom every day how much I hate living here. About a week later, I was marathoning "Grey's Anatomy", as I usually do, and one of the characters said something that made me think a lot about my actions. The character, George, moved in with one of the inters and now share an apartment, and he was just saying how horrible and awful the apartment is. After the roommate, Lexie, did everything to make George feel comfortable in the apartment, George asked her, "I complain a lot, don't I?" After I saw that scene, it made me think about my situation and how I really do complain a lot.

I know it sounded like I drifted off the topic and decided to discuss my binge watching on Netflix, but it relates to the topic! The point is, change is scary, but through change, we're able to channel ourselves and take this opportunity to better ourselves, our actions, and mentality. I can give you another example: breakups. My last two breakups really gave me the time to focus on me and figure out what I need to better, or change, in me. The first break-up gave me the chance to become a better person. Before I dated my ex and during the relationship, I wasn't the best person. I insulted myself many times, insulted and teased others, and was just a bad person in general, and the person I was with didn't make it better. After the breakup, I really evaluated myself and saw how I was a negative, mean person.

So in 2014, that breakup allowed me to improve myself through starting the journey of self-love, as well as worked on becoming a positive and inspiring person. When it comes to my recent breakup, although it still hurts me to think about, it allowed me to grow. I didn't even think there was more to grow from, but to my surprise, there was. I was able to focus more on life skills I need for as I get older (such as savings, looking into moving, growing as an adult). Throughout the two years, I realized how I needed to improve my actions. I was so afraid of being honest to stating how I feel to either friends, family, or my significant other, because people in the past have always put me down for speaking my mind. However, I've met so many people who told me they like that I'm honest and open about my feelings, which is so new and refreshing for me.

I have been able to grow as a person, not be afraid to speak my mind or share my feelings, and I'm getting better and listening, hearing people out, and calling myself out if needed. It's all part of growing. With change, we're able to grow and improve. We may be afraid of change due to not knowing what the future holds with the change, but through change can we see opportunities we never knew we needed. Change can be scary, growing up can be scary, but we don't have to be afraid. I'm here for you on this journey. I'm still afraid of change and growth, but I'm slowly letting go on the strong grip I have on the wheel and going with the flow. Who knows, just by slowly letting go of the grip, you can see amazing change in your life that you never expected.

*Photo by Stoica Ionela on Unsplash