Losing Yourself

Emotions are something, aren't they? They give you feeling when you're really happy, when you're sad, when you're angry, when you're in love, and when your heart is broken. In my opinion, emotions are what help us feel human or alive. Although our emotions can make us feel something, it can also push us to be something we're not. In a sense, we can lose ourselves through our emotions.

Without a doubt, I can say that 2018 so far has been...confusing, exciting, stressful, interesting, and tough. Although life has been tough for me, the one consistent thing in my life so far has been blogging. If it wasn't for blogging, I wouldn't know what to do during my worst times, or even my best times. As I entered 2018, I started realizing what exactly I wanted in life, what I wanted for myself (such as career, relationships, friendships, etc), and what I wanted to do to better myself. Because I spent two years understanding myself, I thought, 'Great, I know exactly what to do!' 

A few months into 2018, I started dating again, which was a huge thing for me because I spent two years being single (not by choice at first, but throughout the months it became so). I mentioned the person I dated in a previous blog post from a few months ago. Of course for privacy reasons, I won't put out his name or anything like that, but we'll call him The Assassin. Before anyone worries, when it comes to people in my life, I will never use their names or hint where you can find them (unless I am granted permission), so instead I use rankings/classes from MMORPG games. 

When it came to dating The Assassin, when things were good, they were really good, and when things were bad, they were really bad. There was so much miscommunication, lack of communication, and since I can only speak for myself, there was a lot of jealousy and trust issues on my end. Plus mixing that with me dealing with anxiety or depression (or both at the same time), you know our dating situation was fun (insert sarcasm). Recently, we did get into an argument, and ever since that day, I felt that he became...distant, and he admits he was. 

Now I don't want this post coming off as me just talking smack about him; I still care about him as a person and I don't want any form of hate or bad vibes sent his way (even though he's completely anonymous, but you know what I mean). As I've stated many times, my blog is my diary, a place where I can feel safe to share my feelings and thoughts, and maybe help someone whose struggling with what I'm struggling with. In order for you, my readers, to understand my situation, I want to give some sort of backstory, as well as be as vague as possible and keep this person's identity a secret. 

Since that argument, how he felt about things I've done was let out, and vice versa. The Assassin stated some...things that just really made my heart sink. Since that day, my mental health got progressively worse. My anxiety was at an all time high constantly, I started questioning my every move, and just asking myself, 'What did I do wrong?', or, "Is it too late to fix this?' I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand wondering what he's doing or why he's not speaking to me. So I sent him this long audio expressing my feelings and just...deleted him.

After that day, I thought my mental health would get better, but it just got worse. The past few days, I've been waking up with my heart racing and just feeling panicky. I started blaming myself and punishing myself for removing someone I care about and have feelings for. I put myself down, scared many people who care about me, and just...wasn't myself. It hasn't even been a week and a still feel a tad bit anxious, but I'm slowly getting better. I did a lot of self-reflecting, talking to my friends, and planning to meet with a therapist (took almost four years, but I finally found a therapist to meet with).

After taking some time to myself, I realized something The Assassin told me, and he was right: I got too attached. Not only did I get too attached, but I got too attached to this idea of him. I started seeing things with rose-colored glasses. I only focused on the good and the times that were really good. I started portraying him as this person that he wasn't, which isn't a bad thing, but I was gaining feelings for an idea of him. While having strong feelings for this idea, I slowly started losing my self-worth, who I am, and my confidence. Everything I built myself up to be and everything I did for myself to improve just...left all because I got attached to an idea.

I still miss us dating, I miss talking to him, and I miss the good times we shared. Moving forward, I was to put my focus back to myself, bettering myself, loving myself, and work on my goals. I have so many things I want to start on, or continue doing, this year. Hopefully The Assassin and I can start over, but for now, I'll just go back to focusing on myself, building up my strength, and getting back my confidence. Has there ever been a time in your life where you felt like you almost lost yourself? How did you get back to being who you are? Let me know in the comments below. As always, thank you so much for reading, commenting, liking, sharing, and subscribing!