This past week has been anything but easy. Some days I was great, other days not so much. Lately, I’ve been dealing with a lot in my personal life. Family situation, being super busy at work, and on and off healing. Last night, everything I’ve been feeling just sort of…hit me, to the point where, for my own healing, I’m closing out so many people (this excludes co-workers and very close family members). I honestly just wanted to just lay in bed and cry for hours once I got off work, but I know in my heart the one thing that helps me heal during these hard times is writing.
When I write, it’s like I’m entering a brand new world (kind of like how someone may feel when they read a book or binge watch a TV series). For me, writing is my escape. Writing allows me to speak from my mind, and from my heart, and not feel as if I’m being judged for my words. By writing, I’m allowed to feel free from my pain, my struggles, and my battle, for just a moment.
Before I get started into how I’m feeling, I just want to state that I do not harm myself; all of my struggles are just mental struggles. When it comes to depression, anxiety, and all of that, I like to use my characters as a form of coping (also known as fantasy). I know for a fact my characters are not real, but it allows me to put faces to my mental struggles. As you all know, my blog’s mascot, The Princess, is not only a character I’ve created a story to, but she’s based off of a character I’d like to be.
Then there’s two other characters I've briefly mentioned from time to time on my blog posts. One I call “The Darkness” (which represents my anxiety and depression), the other being “The Light”, also known as my hope; the positive voice I try to throw back at the negative (such as using logic or words of encouragement). I actually have drawings to represent the other two (since The Princess is practically plastered everywhere on my blog).
The Darkness is a character I’ve created to represent anxiety and depression. When things go wrong in my life, when people I care for suddenly distance themselves from me, or if painful memories hit me, The Darkness shows it’s ugly face to constantly remind me how much I’m hurting. I remember last week I was speaking to my therapist regarding putting a name to the negative thoughts. She told me I can use someone I really don’t like to represent that, however, when I created The Darkness, I imagined it as looking like a scary, awful creature that silhouettes myself.
When The Darkness shows up, during those moments, boy is it awful! It laughs during moments I’m weeping, mocking me, reminding me of why people leave or hurt me, and tells me over and over:
‘You’re the reason this person left. It’s all your fault that you ruin friendships and relationships. You’re to blame for all the bad happening in your life. You have no one to blame but yourself. You’re annoying, you bother them, you’re tiresome, you’re too much, you suffocate people. Why don’t you just end your life already?’
As you can see, last night, that’s what I had to deal with, to the point I was sobbing and just telling the negative thoughts, “I give up, you win”.
However, there’s also another character in this:
When I created The Light, I always saw it as a little girl (hear me out). For Light, she represents my hope, the positives, and good things I try to remind myself. She honestly is a character that represents many things in my life. For example, my friends who reach out to me and check up to see if I’m okay. She also, in a sense, represents my relationship with God (if you’re unaware, I’m a religious person).
The Light is a character no one but The Princess can see. She is a spirit that is there to uplift, encourage, and be there for The Princess. Sadly, The Darkness (anxiety or depression) can be louder than The Light. While I have The Darkness telling me awful things, I have The Light, who has the softest voice, trying to remind me:
’That’s not true what you’re hearing! The people who leave left because they were the problem, not you. You deserve love, you deserve happiness, to deserve to be surrounded by people who care about you and know you’re amazing! You’re not annoying, you’re not tiresome, you’re not bothersome, and you’re never too much. You are beautiful, amazing, inspiring, caring, sweet, and there are people who care about you!’
Last night…I was dealing with a lot. I had both The Darkness and The Light fighting between each other in my mind. I felt truly alone last night and I just wanted to hear from certain people to know that everything’s okay, that I’m not the awful thoughts…but I didn’t. Honestly…I’m surprised I even woke up today. You don’t know how I was just wishing to not wake up and just be dead. I kept being told, and thinking, that maybe if I were gone, I would be cared, I would be missed, and my pain would be over.
When it comes to discussing my mental health and the idea of hope, I prefer discussing it through characters, compared to stating that I deal with dark thoughts and I’m mentally yelling back to shut up. At least with characters, it makes it seem more of a story than reality, you know? However, hiding reality may not be the best, but I’m sure you know what I mean. As I stated in the beginning, writing is my therapy, writing is my saving grace; it’s one of the healthiest forms of expressing my pain without hurting myself. I’m not sure if anyone is going through this too, but if you are, please know you’re not alone.
I may be going through a lot, but please know that whether you’re a fellow reader, a stranger, or someone I know personally, my email isn’t just for PR or collaborations; it’s also there for anyone who feels alone and just want to write to someone to talk about what they’re going through. Like someone once told me, even the healer IThe Princess’s power) needs healing too. I hope things get better, but I’m just struggling right now and just needed to get it out.